


The Avengers and the Terrible Horrible No-Good Very Bad Day

by Lady_Nightshade



Series: Just Another Day in the Tower [20]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Darcy is fine, Other, Tony is always the distraction, stupid bad guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-10
Updated: 2015-11-14
Packaged: 2018-04-30 22:46:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5182478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Nightshade/pseuds/Lady_Nightshade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Avengers are having a bad day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Steve

**Author's Note:**

  * For [loretta537](https://archiveofourown.org/users/loretta537/gifts).



> Hello! It's been so long! I have so many half finished works- I've told myself I'll start writing every day so that I can get these finished! Sometimes I won't write stuff related to this, but hopefully it means things will get finished faster! For loretta537 who actually sent me a comment hoping I update soon bc she missed the series (awww, you make my heart happy loretta537!)- They'd actually sent me that right after I'd decided to write every day. So this one is dedicated for them! 
> 
> Not beta'd, don't own em, wish I did.
> 
> Rated for the language.

Steve was having a terrible day. So was the toaster. He’d been distracted all day and distractions for Steve meant he didn’t pay attention to things like his strength… which meant lots of broken things (there goes another toaster…). He’d been leaving a trail of destruction in his wake all day.  So far the casualties included a bunch of gym equipment, some kitchen appliances, several pencils, a few door handles, and Darcy’s ear buds (RIP, buds… she didn’t know about those yet though, he’d have to buy her a new ones and apologize with coffee… it was strange that she didn’t have them with her though… huh, where _was_ she anyway?). And his day only managed to get worse when he found out how Darcy’s day was going.

Steve had gotten up that morning just feeling off. Everyone’s allowed an off day every so often, and Steve knew his team and other Tower mates wouldn’t hold it against him, but he also knew they wouldn’t appreciate the mess he’d probably leave behind either. After his wreck of a morning he was just trying to find a nice quiet place to curl up in until he felt better. He’d decided to not tempt fate and just stayed completely away from Jane and her duct-tape-a-licious (Darcy’s word, not his) equipment (even though Darcy probably would have made him feel better).  Bruce was also out- the last thing he wanted to do was break something in his lab and freak out Hulk (although Hulk liked him since he let him smash things… but he didn’t want to put Bruce through that).  That left Tony, Clint, Natasha, or Thor… Tony’s lab just seemed like a bad idea, you know, with the fire and robots and all (even if the robots would put you out if you were on fire...).  Clint’s penchant for shooting things made Steve weary.  Natasha would break him if he broke anything of hers. Which left Thor- the one person in the Tower who broke things about as often as he did.  Thor it was.  If anyone would understand, it was Thor.  Plus, Steve didn’t have to worry about breaking the god. 

Thor was more than happy for Steve’s company.

“Captain!  I am glad to see you, friend.  I am just about to partake in a liberating bout of scientific discovery!”

Steve stared at Thor.  Usually he could more or less figure out what the god was saying. Today was obviously one of the ‘less’ days. “… What?”

“Man of Iron has built us a training battleground in the basement!  I am going to help further his attempts by smashing it apart!  Would you care to join me?”

Steve’s smile was slow and catlike. “Yes, yes I would.”

Thor smiled back.  “For science!”

Steve nodded, still grinning. “For science!”

3 hours, 10 broken laser beams, 15 damaged floor tiles, 10 disintegrated ceiling tiles, 22 mangled robots (“My _BABIES_!” “…Sorry, Tony.”), 9 bruises (there were more, but Steve kept healing), 38 scratches (to the building, not them), and lots of sweat and property damage later, Steve and Thor left the training simulation laughing.

Steve’s day was looking up.  Maybe his day wasn’t so terrible after all. The Avengers alarm went off.

“Captain Rogers, Prince Thor- Darcy has been kidnapped,” Jarvis informed, sounding distressed.

Nope, terrible day.


	2. Darcy

Darcy was having horrible day. It had started out well enough. Jarvis and she had gone shopping. Well, she’d gone shopping- Jarvis was with her in her ear via com.  She’d been about to enjoy some fall treats from a coffee shop when she’d been nabbed. Natasha and Clint had insisted that she learn some self defense moves, but nothing they’d taught her had stood up to the mountain of the man that grabbed her.  Like seriously, how was she supposed to hurt someone who was three times her size?  Now she understood why David had gone at Goliath with a sling- no one in their right mind got within grabbing distance of a freakin’ giant!  There was just no way to win. 

At least she hadn’t been hurt in the struggle- the guy was so big he didn’t _need_ to hurt her to take her in.  So at least she wasn’t in any pain.  Unfortunately though, she was stuck listening to the giant and his smaller partner. Which was rather painful in and of itself.

Her kidnappers were rather incompetent freaks who were trying to bring back some lame god of destruction. Or doom.  Or was it _chaos_? There was a difference! Though what the differences _were_ exactly, she didn’t really know, and frankly, she didn’t care.  She doubted they’d even sent the ransom note to the right address! Luckily she’d been wearing her special communicator earrings that Tony had made for her to be able to chat with Jarvis when she was out of the Tower.  In fact, she was wearing all of her J-tech jewelry (“Patent pending.” “Shut up Tony, you know you’re never going to release this tech.” “…So true…”). Jarvis not only knew where she was but had been listening to everything the kidnappers had said.

On the bright side, they didn’t want her. On the not so bright side, they were still willing to hurt her to get what they wanted.  On the rather dark side they wanted Steve. On the _really_ dark side, they wanted him to exchange himself for Darcy to make him a human sacrifice to complete their Buffy-the-Vampire-Slayer-esque ritual. Something about him being a ‘perfect’ specimen and a ‘pure’ soul or something.  Darcy had almost snorted at that last part- anyone who actually thought Steve was in any way pure was a victim of his PR marketing. The man had one of the dirtiest minds she’d ever had the pleasure to pick. 

Currently she was tied up (uncool, dude) on the floor of a filthy ( _seriously, would it kill them to sweep_?) abandoned warehouse (why was it always a warehouse? Darcy was certain that if they all had things in them that this sort of thing would happen less. She’d have to talk to Tony about buying some warehouses… like, _all_ of them. ALL. OF. THEM.) listening to her kidnappers bicker.  It had been about 30 minutes and they hadn’t heard anything back from the team yet, thus why she figured they’d sent it to the wrong address.  Not that it mattered.  Jarvis knew where she was, and therefore, so did the team.  They’d come for her. 

“Why haven’t we heard anything yet?!?” asked one of the kidnappers. 

“Maybe they don’t care,” shrugged the big one.

“They have to care- _he_ has to care- he’s Captain America.” 

“Maybe they’re just not taking it seriously,” came the response. 

The smaller of the two nodded. “You’re right. Send them something as proof.”

Darcy watched with wide eyes as the larger man flicked out a knife- she sincerely hoped he didn’t try to cut off one of her ears. She liked her ears. She had _great_ ears.

“No!” the smaller man (she was gonna start calling him Billy) said.  “We need her in one piece for this to work! _Idiot_! If they don’t give in to our demands and exchange her for Rogers, she has to be undamaged to be an even slightly decent sacrifice!”

Darcy sighed in relief when the other man (she was gonna call him Willy) flicked the knife closed and put it away. Pulling out a cellphone, he snapped a picture of her.  Yeah, because sending a photo from his personal phone _wasn’t_ gonna get him traced.  These guys were beyond stupid ( _Psh, amateurs_ ).

“We should mail them something of hers also- so that they know we mean business.  Slice it up with your knife, so that they get the idea.” 

Darcy watched in horror as Willy reached for her shoes.

“Dear god not the shoes! These are Louboutins! Is NOTHING sacred to you????  At least take them _hostage_!” she practically screamed at Willy.  

Yup, horrible day.


	3. Tony (and Bruce)

Tony was having a no good day. So was Bruce.  An explosion in the labs that morning had resulted in them getting more or less fused together.  The goop keeping them stuck had managed to seep through their clothes and stick to their skin, creating a bond between skin to clothing to clothing to skin, effectively attaching the men at the hip.  And since they’d gotten stuck together and everything that happened to Tony also happened by proxy to Bruce, Bruce was sharing in Tony’s bad day.

After the blast Tony had done everything possible to keep Bruce from hulking out, knowing that the Hulk would just rip him off and toss him aside (no matter how much Hulk liked him for building a smash-proof room with a huge television).  Tony had gone so far as to try meditation.  Sort of. 

“ _Breathe_ , Bruce, just breathe.  Focus on the sound of my voice.  In… and out… and in… and out… that’s it, buddy.  Imagine the smell of lavender…”

Bruce who had been struggling to keep from going full green puffed out a small, strangled laugh.  “Tony, stop quoting Finding Nemo deleted scenes- I’m not Darcy, don’t bring me into your weird quote competition.”

“ _Darcy_! Bruce you’re a genius!”

“I know.”

“We can have her help to unstick us!”

“Sir, Miss has left the building for the morning, she is currently out doing some light shopping,” Jarvis informed him.

“Huh… ok then.  What’s Foster doing?”

A few hours and a hundred thousand q-tips later (“Stop exaggerating Tony, that’s 100, at _most_.”) Tony and Bruce were still stuck together.  Jane was doing her best to unstick them while they stood in front of a large screen, watching as Steve and Thor tore through the battle simulations Tony had constructed in the basement. 

“Oh come on!” Tony shouted at the TV, “You’re supposed to be practicing your dodging, not destroying the equipment!” Tony grumbled. “I’m gonna have to spend weeks just fixing what they’re breaking- and that’s without doing the upgrades!”

Bruce stiffened slightly at the U word (“SHHHHHH! We don’t say that word in the Tower!” “…What word?” “The U word.” “…Upgrades?” “SHHHHHHH!!!”) and then sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. He really wanted to meditate. Jane handed him a cup of tea in a to-go cup with a lid.  They’d already learned that open mugs plus Tony’s penchant for waving his arms around were not a good combination.  Bruce gave her a grateful smile. 

“Ok,” Jane said, “I think I’ve finally managed to isolate the adhesive and have made a suitable solvent.” 

Tony watched her as she began shaking a squeeze bottle full of a bright blue liquid… that started turning hot pink the more she agitated it.  “… Is it… changing colors?”

Jane didn’t even bother to look as the pink faded into a purple and then a green. “Yup.  The chocolate coating makes it go down easier,” she said, ignoring Tony’s looks of concern.

“…That… doesn’t even make sense.”

Jane ignored him.  “Cross your fingers.”

Half way through unsticking them, Jarvis sounded the alarm.  “Sir, Darcy has been kidnapped,” he said, his tone stressed.  “Captain Rogers and Prince Thor have just been alerted and are on their way up. Agents Barton and Romanov are en route. ETA 38 minutes.”

The three of them looked at each other before springing into action.  Bruce put his glasses back on and began moving projections with mathematical equations out of the way. Tony took command, asking Jarvis to project maps of Darcy’s intended route, kidnapped route, current location, schematics of the building she was in, and for a status check on her vitals. Jane furiously rubbed the q-tip in her hand, working to unstick them as quickly as possible.  Hey, it may not be the most glamorous or high tech job in this rescue mission, but it was just as important, damnit! 

Yup, today was definitely a no good day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Watch the deleted scenes and everything that the voice actors said that wasn't used from Finding Nemo. Hilarious.
> 
> Also, Jane quotes The Princess Bride too. Because of course she does. Duh.


	4. Natasha (and Clint)

Natasha was bleeding, standing just behind Clint in the cockpit of the jet.  Breathing heavily with guns drawn as she shot at various red, metallic flying things that were currently redecorating the back of the jet in a swiss cheese style. She was having a very bad day.

Clint’s day had been going pretty well. Until Natasha’s hadn’t. Since Natasha was having a very bad day, Clint was also having a very bad day.  Mainly because it involved her being shot at with miniature heat seeking missiles in the shape of evil crabs.   These things didn’t blow up on impact, though.  Nope.  That would be too normal.  These things turned their claws into tiny spinning hacksaws that shredded flesh. Because that was _way_ better.

They actually kind of reminded Clint of Sebastian. He half expected them to start talking in a Jamaican accent.  If they had, maybe his day wouldn’t have been quite so bad.  The fact that he wasn’t the one being chased by them should have meant his day wasn’t as awful as hers.  But since he’d picked her up via jet as she ran from them over rooftops, and they were now chasing said jet, latching onto it, and then drilling little holes into it to get to them, yeah, his day was just as bad as hers.

“Who the hell makes heat seeking missiles and shapes them like CRABS?!?!?!” Clint shouted, as he tried doing evasive maneuvers.

Natasha huffed as she shot one that had managed to drill its way into the jet.  “Someone with a twisted sense of humor.” 

“You’ve got the wrong red head!” Clint shouted at one as it sailed by him, nearly slicing his ear.  “Ariel’s in the ocean!”

Kicking it away from Clint so that she could shoot it down, Natasha got an idea.  “Open the back of the jet,” she said, attaching a strap to her belt as a harness.

Clint eyed her.  He knew what she was planning. “Tasha, no.”

“Open it, Clinton.”

“They’ll all fly in at once!”

“And then I’ll shoot them all at once.”

Clint sighed.  “Fine. But I’m helping.” Standing, he grabbed his quiver and slipped it onto his back before pulling out his handguns. Attaching a strap to his belt also, he looked at Natasha before nodding and pushing the button to lower the ramp. “Just like Morocco.”

Natasha smirked.  “Only without the yogurt.” 

Five minutes later Clint was back in his seat flying them home.  The ramp was back up, and Natasha was playing wack-a-mole with a hammer, smashing any of the crabs that looked like they might be in one piece enough to re-animate (not that they were sure they would.  But better safe than sorry, right?).  She was just wacking the last of them into pieces when Clint began talking into the com.

“Easy Jarvis, hang on- I’ll put you on speaker.” Clint flicked a switch and Jarvis’s voice came over the jet’s coms.  “Ok, go ahead, Natasha’s with me.”

“Darcy has been kidnapped,” Jarvis said, sounding stressed.  Normally, he called her ‘Miss Lewis’ when he was talking to the team, or ‘Miss’ if he was talking to Tony, but when bad things happened, he called her Darcy.  It was a little tell that Jarvis was much more than just a computer.  Jarvis was definitely a person.  No one outside of the team and a few select others knew they were soulmates.  They’d all agreed it’d be safer for Darcy if no one knew, and safer for Jarvis is the world didn’t know he was more than just a bunch of programming.  He was so much more that the universe had given him a soulmate… no one wanted the world to freak out that he might go skynet on them. 

Natasha was beside Clint in a flash. She liked Darcy. No one took the people she liked and lived. “What do we know?”

“ETA 38 minutes, Jarvis.” Clint said, pushing the jet to fly as fast as it could go.


	5. Jarvis

Jarvis was having a _terrible, horrible, no good very bad_ day.

It had started out well enough. He’d woken Darcy up that morning with a song from Rainbow Bright.  Odd, yes. But he liked finding things from her childhood that would make her smile.  And she actually had woken up with a smile as Starlight the rainbow horse’s voice had greeted the flowers before telling them there was work to do.

“Morning Jarvis,” she’d yawned, stretching as she sat up. 

“Good morning, Darcy.”

After getting up and drinking the coffee that Jarvis had put on for her, Darcy had gotten dressed, grabbed a quick breakfast and had gone out the door.  She and Jarvis had planned to go shopping and spend the day together.  Darcy and Jarvis both loved the earing coms that Tony had made for her.  This way she could have someone to talk to and Jarvis didn’t have to worry when she was out of the Tower. Tony wouldn’t admit it, but he found their relationship cute, and enjoyed the fact that he’d been able to hide tech that could keep them connected in Darcy’s jewelry. 

The weather had begun to turn crisp- which meant pumpkin everything at the coffee shops ( _yum_ ). After a few hours of shopping, Darcy and Jarvis had just been ready to stop into a coffee shop to raid their pumpkin flavored wares when something had happened. 

One minute Darcy was chatting with Jarvis about possible Christmas presents for the team (because she got that shit done early!), the next he heard her muffled screams and measured her elevated heart rate, stress, and adrenaline levels. 

“ _Darcy! Darcy_!” the AI had called. Jarvis began to panic when she’d begun screaming, but his fears had really increased when her muffled cries had stopped.  Knowing she was only unconscious since he could still read her steady heart beat, he’d alerted the team.

It had been a tense 32 minutes before he’d heard her groan.  “Darcy,” he’d said quietly through her earing coms- quietly enough for only her to hear. “Darcy, are you alright?”

“Yeah,” she’d whispered back so quietly that anyone other than him would have missed it.  “There’s two of them…”

Jarvis already knew there were only two based off of the heat signatures he was picking up in the building via satellite. “Yes, I am monitoring the building. Sir and the others are on their way. I am going to turn the speakers for the coms up louder to better monitor the situation.  I will be going mute, but do not fear.  I am with you.”  Jarvis stopped talking after that, but Darcy knew he was listening.

Another 10 or 15 minutes later Tony came flying in, faceplate drawn, blasters up and at the ready.  Given how much he was talking, Darcy figured he was the distraction.  “Give me back my assistant, you hacks!  Do you know how hard it is to find someone who’s willing to test my prototypes? Let alone someone who can make a good cup of coffee _AND_ actually jumps at the chance to blow something up?!?!?!?!  Never mind the fact that she puts up with our brand of bat shit.”

Yup, he was the distraction.  Steve came sneaking up and began untying her, using his body as a shield between her and Billy and Willy.  A second later a couple of Clint’s electrified taser net arrows came raining down from somewhere above.   

Steve kissed her temple before putting on his Captain America face to go loom over her kidnappers.  Clint appeared a second later, crouching down to check her for any injuries.  Jarvis was back in her ear too, talking to her and asking her a rapid series of questions about her state of mental health.  He could monitor her for physical injuries, but he couldn’t read her mind.

Seeing that she was barefoot, Clint picked her up and carried her to the jet.  “What happened to your shoes?” he asked as they stepped out into the sunlight.

“Willy took them!  Then the douche bag cut them up and sent them to you in a box!”

Clint looked down at her.  “We didn’t get shoes in a box… and Willy?”

“Yeah, because they’re so lame they sent them to the _wrong address_! How the fuck do you get the wrong address for _Tony FUCKING Stark_?!?!?!?! The man is willing to blast his address across national television to a known terrorist!!!”

“ _One time_! That was _ONE TIME_!” Tony shouted out behind them.  Natasha, who had at some point appeared at Clint’s side, smirked.

Darcy ignored Tony and finished answering Clint, and now Natasha. “That’s what I called the big one in my head. I suppose I should be grateful they didn’t try to cut off my ear and send you that instead, or _whoever the hell_ they sent my shoes to, but I almost wish they _had_.  Those were Louboutins!”  Clint chuckled at her and Natasha nodded her head sagely. “I did what you guys taught me, by the way.  But it didn’t work on the big one…”

Natasha nodded.  “I’m sure you did well, but sometimes there’s nothing to be done when someone that large grabs you.”

“And that’s why I used the taser arrows,” Clint said matter of factly as he set Darcy down.  “We found your bags, by the way.  Bruce went to pick them up with Happy.”

“Sweet, thanks guys.”

After debriefing, Darcy spent the rest of the day with Jarvis.  He’d gone and ordered her every pumpkin flavored pastry he could find and had them delivered to the tower so that she could still have her pumpkin things and holiday spiced coffee. Jane, Thor, and the others had to help her eat everything (like they usually did whenever Jarvis gave her a food based present, but it was nice that he cared) and they’d turned it into a nice evening. 

The day may have started out as a terrible horrible no good very bad day, but it ended on a high note.


	6. Epilogue

The next day Darcy woke up to 10 gift wrapped boxes waiting for her outside of her door, held by a different little bot waiting to be let in.  Letting them in, she watched as each bot deposited a box in her living room before turning around and wheeling back out of the apartment.  Smiling, Darcy opened them to find each one contained a different pair of red souled shoes. 

“Thanks J,” she smiled.

“My pleasure, Darcy.”

Jarvis was the best.   


	7. Doom (if Doom got the shoes)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's been speculation over who the ransom note and shoes were sent to since the team didn't get them. My original thought was Doom but then someone suggested Hammer. So here's what would have happened if Doom got them. I'll write Hammer later.

Doom was having a fairly good day. His minions had brought back good reconnaissance about Sue Storm’s latest whereabouts and his new Doom-bot prototype was almost complete.  All in all things were going well. 

And then he got a letter. 

 _Odd_ , Doom thought to himself. No one ever sent Doom letters. Doom was too intimidating to bill… in reality, he didn’t get bills because he owned all the buildings around him and was on solar energy.  So he didn’t get bills.  But Doom just liked to let people think it was because he was too intimidating to bill. Curious (curiosity was not a trait that Doom felt supervillains and dictators should really posses, but if Doom was being honest with himself, he was indeed curious), Doom opened the letter. And was promptly confused.

_‘Turn yuorself in for your secratary or we kill her.  You have 10 minutes.’_

“…”

Doom did not have a secretary. A quick check of his office showed him that his chief servant was accounted for (never mind that Doom's chief of staff was a _he-_ Doom reasoned that if this were an alien kidnapper that human social constructs and biology may be confusing to them.).  So the note was not for Doom.

Not only was it not a letter for Doom, but it was a poorly written one at that.  The note was spelled out from magazine clippings. Spelled out _wrong_.  But Doom wasn’t one to criticize.  After all, maybe the writer was dyslexic.  Not one to get in the way of another villain’s plans, Doom wanted to contact them and let them know that whoever they were trying to reach had not gotten the message. Only there was no return address. No name.  No number.  Not even a carrier pigeon. 

So Doom went down to the door and waited. Maybe they would come back with another threat once the 10 minutes were up.  He’d hate for them to not get what they wanted.  When 30 minutes had passed, Doom was convinced that the secretary was dead and that his fellow villain (albeit amateur villain) had not gotten what he was after and was just about to return upstairs to eat (French toast sounded very good to Doom just then) when there was a knock at the door. Doom went back down to answer it but the delivery person had already left, leaving just a small box.   

Doom hoped it was not an ear. Ears were good motivators, but rather disgusting to receive.  Doom much preferred sending them than getting them.  Slowly lifting the lid, Doom peaked inside before tossing the lid aside completely. 

“…”

Now Doom was even more confused. At least this time there was a phone number on the note.

‘ _We meen it- come in or she dies! 555-1234’_

Going upstairs, Doom grabbed his cellphone and dialed the number.  When no one responded, he left a message.  Hanging up, he went about his day, making himself French toast and finishing up some plans he had for Latveria’s governance. 

* 

“Hey Cap!” Tony called to Steve over the building’s com system.

“Yeah, Tony- what’s up?” 

“Come down to the labs- you gotta hear this.”

Puzzled, Steve plated his sandwich and made his way down to Tony’s lab.  Walking in, he saw the rest of the team standing around a workbench.  “Trouble?” Steve asked, his Captain America voice coming out. 

Cling shook his head.  “Nah,” he said, nodding toward Tony.  “Stark hacked the kidnapper’s phone and picked up a message.”

Steve wasn’t sure why Tony had bothered to listen to their messages, but if he thought it was important, then he’d listen. Taking a bit of his sandwich, he waited while Tony went through the message retrieval system.  “You have… 1 saved message.  To listen to your messages, press 1.” BEEEEEEP “You have sent your ransom note and shoes to Doom.  Doom does not think they are for him as Doom does not have a secretary and is not missing any personnel. Whoever they are for, you may want to recheck your contact information.  Doom understands that logistics can be tricky things and wishes you the best in your future kidnappings.  Doom sincerely hopes your efforts at villainy and world domination go smoothly for you. Have a pleasant day.” BEEEEEEEP.

Well… at least Doom was polite enough to call them and let them know they had the wrong address. 


	8. Justin Hammer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was a suggestion that the shoes had been sent to Hammer. Here's one way that could have went.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm going off of the movies only here, since I haven't encountered Hammer in the comics. The actors to play Tony and Justin are each the same height (it'll make sense in there somewhere). There's a reference to Natasha being his secretary from Iron Man 2 also. 
> 
> Also, Steve doesn't judge about personal preferences. He'll judge you for other things (like poor behavior and poor life choices), but not a little sparkle.

Justin Hammer considered himself to be a great man. Sure, people would say he was regularly shown up by Tony Stark, but he’d prefer to see it as Stark showboating a little louder than he was talking- that’s all.  He was still better than Stark.  Definitely better.  Sure, people would say Stark had more charisma, but that was just his name- Tony Stark just sounded charismatic.  That’s all. Sure, people said that Stark was better looking, but beauty was in the eye of the beholder. Sure, people would say Stark had more luck with the ladies, but Hammer could have any of Stark’s women if he wanted them… but he didn’t bother because he just had different tastes in women, that’s all.  Besides, half of those women weren’t even interested in Stark at all- his last ‘assistant’ was actually a spy!  So her brush off of him _totally didn’t count_! Sure, people said Stark was the _real_ genius and Hammer was just the guy forever trying to catch up, but those people never lived long enough to say it again.  

Justin Hammer was _better_ than Tony Stark, _damnit_. He was _better_ looking, smarter, _more_ charismatic, and definitely _better at everything_.

So on the day when the box came, Hammer was in a pretty good mood.  After all, he was better. And who doesn’t like getting packages? And then he opened it.

“…”

 _What the fuck was this_? Seriously.  What was this?  Hammer looked around.  Was this some sort of a weird joke?  He was fairly confident that none of his employees would send him a box full of sliced shoes- Louboutins, judging by the red soles if he wasn’t mistaken. For one, he didn’t pay them enough to throw away money like this.  And two, they knew he could make them disappear if he wanted. 

But if it wasn’t from anyone in the building, then who _was_ it from? Not even two seconds went by before one name popped into Hammer’s head and rattled around in his brain like a pinball in a horrible retro pinball machine.  _Stark_. Who else?  This was right up his alley.  But what did it mean?  Obviously, he was trying to make some sort of a statement.  But _what_?

Was he implying that Hammer was a woman? One that he would destroy?

“…”

No. Stark was many things, but even Hammer had to admit the man was a feminist in his own right- even if he _did_ appear to be a womanizer at times. He supported all kinds of movements and charities and things pro-woman... pro-choice, pro-equal wages, pro-everything, really. Stark wouldn’t use the term woman or any variation of it as an insult- he was all about equality and opportunities… it made Hammer sick. _Bleh_.

Was he saying Hammer stood taller than him but he’d cut him down to size? 

“…”

That didn’t really make sense either. He and Stark were the same height.

Whatever it meant, it was obviously a declaration of war… but what was the proper response?  Hammer didn’t want to just go running into this.  He had to play it _cool_. _Composed_. Stark _did_ have the Avengers behind him.  And while Hammer wasn’t _afraid_ of them (if you thought he _was_ , you’re fired. _Literally_. With _fire_. He’d see to it), he didn’t really want to start an all out visible war.  He and Stark had been in a mostly unseen struggle for years now. To the public, it was just a company rivalry. But below the notice of the civilian population, they’d been locked in a dance of subterfuge and assassination attempts for years.  So what should his next move be?  Stark was communicating to him and the rules of engagement dictated he answer. But how? 

If Hammer was a more thorough man, he would have seen a small note inside the box with the shoes.  Though it's just as well that he didn't- it would have only confused him more.

* 

A few days after Darcy’s kidnapping, a very confused Tony was staring at a box that had been delivered. 

“…”

Staring at the box in his hands, Tony made a face, tilted his head to the side, then made another face.  Nope, he had no clue why anyone would send him this. There wasn’t even a note. Maybe it was some weird underworld spy lingo… like a horse’s head in his bed, only less messy. Maybe he’d ask the spysassins.

“You should ask for your money back,” Steve said, after leaning over his shoulder to glance inside the box at the ripped up women’s gold glitter stripper heels with red inserts. 

“I didn’t order these.”

Steve made a placating unarmed gesture with his hands. “Hey, you don’t have to explain yourself to me- no judgments here,” he said walking off, not giving Tony a chance to protest.

Tony watched as Steve left. _Probably on his way to the gym to break another sandbag.._. _Whatever_. Steve was right- Tony didn’t need to explain himself to anyone.  He didn’t- _wait_ , what was he even _talking about_?!?!?! _He hadn’t ordered these!_  

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this all came about from a little thing I thought up- Darcy pleading to captors about their humanity when they try to take her nice shoes away lol. It's not the weirdest or funniest thing I've written, but this is where it went once I started following it down the rabbit whole. Have fun, don't think too hard- it's not meant to be deep, serious, or a masterpiece. :D


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